


Status Quo

by smoothsoda



Category: Mamamoo
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-07
Updated: 2018-08-16
Packaged: 2018-11-28 22:56:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11427990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smoothsoda/pseuds/smoothsoda
Summary: Moonbyul is outed by the media and isn't sure what to do.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> first work please forgive lol

Moonbyul and Solar are the first to exit out of the venue and are now dressed casually for their long drive back home. They walk side by side waving and smiling for their fans that greet them outside the doors, but walk at a fast pace, wanting to rest as soon as possible. Inside their van they go as the last two members finally exit the building and catch up to them. After the whole group settled into their van, their manager starts driving away and Moonbyul opens her window to say one last goodbye to their fans. As the people and the building shrink into nothing, Moonbyul closes her window, leans back in her chair, and sighs deeply as she concludes today’s schedules. She closes her eyes and feels her body turn into mush after being so tense and excited throughout the day.

The other members quickly start falling asleep in their seats as Moonbyul opens her phone, scrolling through whatever is trending through the internet. She reads a few articles about celebrities as to not fall behind in the times and takes mental notes for conversation topics later. Finally, she searches for mamamoo, through tags on twitter or just simply searching it through Naver, and reviews their activities. Not finding anything too noticeable other than an article concerning Solar’s face shape, she lazily flicks her thumb on the screen to scroll through one more time. 

The words are moving too fast to read anything and honestly, she’s too tired to scroll back up and read them. Wait. Her heart skips a beat. There was something that caught her eye. A word too familiar to her that it’s hard to miss. She starts to sit up, now very attentive, and she scrolls on her phone, looking back for the article that contained the word of interest. She finds it. No. Oh fuck no. She reads the title again to make sure she has it right. You’ve got to be kidding me. She reads it for a third time. YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! 

On her screen displays an article titled “MAMAMOO’S MOONBYUL INVOLVED IN LESBIAN RELATIONSHIPS”. Her heart is beating so fast and her hands begin to shake. She quickly turns to look at Solar to make sure she didn’t see her phone screen. Thankfully, she’s sound asleep. She quickly checks Wheein and Hwasa, and again, she is relieved to see them sleeping. If Solar sees this, what is she going to think of me? Will she be disgusted? Will we still be able to be friends? Maybe, by some slim chance, she could be glad? No. What useless thoughts. She has to fix this. For the years she spent with the members, fighting to debut, fighting to gain popularity, winning awards, and be where they are today. She needs to protect everything she has. 

Apparently, a girl stepped forward and confessed to have been in a relationship with Moonbyul shortly after their high school graduation. A photo was provided as proof that she was her girlfriend. It was a selfie taken by Moonbyul as you can see her arm extended to hold the camera and the other entwined with the other girl’s as they sat extremely close on a sofa with the girl’s head, blurred out for privacy, resting on Moonbyul’s chest. It wasn’t enough evidence to prove that they dated, but it was enough to create an article and stir the public. Immediately, Moonbyul was able to recognize the girl despite the censorship. She was the first girl Moonbyul had ever dated, but she could have never imagined that she would come out with their relationship form years ago. Why now? Why at all? They didn’t break up on particularly bad terms, and they were both very secretive about their relationship, knowing fully-well how people like them are treated in Korea. It just didn’t make sense. She continues to read the article in search for any kind of answer, but not much else was said. Really. Nothing else was said. It isn’t much of an article at all. How could a journalist have this photo and know she was her girlfriend, but not have anything else? It wasn’t like a photo leak where they don’t know the exact origin, but quite the opposite. They had her ex-girlfriend right in front of them. It’s hard to imagine that they just took the photo and let her leave. The publisher isn’t particularly well-known, so it hasn’t made big news yet, but with such a controversial issue, it’s a ticking time bomb. 

Wheein turns in her sleep and Moonbyul immediately closes her phone in fear of what she might see. Her heart is pumping quickly again. She turns around slowly to see if Wheein woke up from her nap, but thankfully she didn’t. Moonbyul sighs in relief. 

What’s the point of being relieved though? If this information becomes big, they’ll know soon enough. Everything is perfectly fine as it is. She needs to keep the status quo. She’ll do anything to keep the status quo. The only solution she can think of now is to contact her ex and find out what exactly is going on. It’s another 3 hours until they get back home, but Moonbyul is too anxious to wait until then. She taps their manager on the shoulder, telling her that she needs to use the restroom. They pull over at the next gas station and Moonbyul quietly gets off and rushes to the bathroom. She makes sure that no one else is in the stalls before she calls. She locks herself inside of a stall, just in case anyone came in, and starts searching for her ex’s number. She looks through their text history and sees that they haven’t talked in 4 years, but this is no time to feel awkward. The only thing that Moonbyul wants is to get rid of that article and any evidence of her homosexuality. 

She taps the call button and the phone starts ringing. Anxiety starts rising in her body with each ring, and she starts praying that she’ll pick up. Not too shortly after, the ringing stops and a shy “hello” comes out. Moonbyul can tell she’s concerned as to why she called and there was no time for catch ups. She gets straight to the point and asks, “hey, do you know about an article that was posted about the two of us?”

“What…?” she replies, sounding confused.

“There’s an article that claims to have been given information from an ex-girlfriend of mine. A picture was posted of you and me. Do you know anything about it?” Moonbyul asks, more demandingly and urgently than she would have liked. 

There’s a pause.

“Sorry, I haven’t seen anything like it.”

She still sounds withdrawn and uncomfortable with Moonbyul’s sudden call. She can’t blame her. If she really didn’t confess to the press, this must be very scary. 

“Then I don’t understand… Did you tell anyone about our relationship? Did you send any pictures to anyone?”

Moonbyul is starting to sound very distressed.

“No, I didn’t do anything of that sort.” She replies defensively.

“Try to think carefully. Did you show a photo of us to anyone? Maybe post it somewhere and delete it afterwards?” Moonbyul says, trying to calm down herself down.  
“No. I didn’t”

The voice is stoic and adamant. Weirdly so. Why is she not even concerned with herself? Does she know that the photo censored her face? Does that mean she’s lying? But there’s no use getting upset. Give her the benefit of the doubt. 

“Well, do you know anyone who could have given this information to a journalist?” She says in a plea, hoping to get anything out of her.

“Look, I don’t know what exactly is going on, but I didn’t have anything to do with it.”

Moonbyul’s frustration builds, “How can this not involve you? This is a photo of us! This isn’t just about me, but about you too! Do you want to be outed this way? Do you want to put everything I worked for down the drain? There’s an asshole telling everyone I’m a lesbian because of SOMEONE!”

Moonbyul didn’t realize how loud she had gotten until her echo briefly played back to her and after, is met with a silence much quieter than she expected. Her hands are shaking and her legs feel like lead. The phone is silent. Her ex hangs up. Emotions start filling up her chest, overflowing into tears. This isn’t good. She has to go back to the van. But then, she hears someone hurry out of the bathroom.


	2. part dos

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry in advance for weird flow

Moonbyul shocks up in surprise of the sound of the door. Her tears stop and her chest tightens even more than before. Oh god. If that person recognized her voice, this could be really bad. The chances of her posting something on the internet aren’t low, but confronting her would just make things worse. What would she even say? It’s just a prank? Please delete your memory from 30 seconds ago? She wonders if it could have been one of the members. No. She immediately tries to put the thought away. People post lies every day. Even if a stranger said something, there’s no proof. But if a member heard her, that could very well be the end of their relationship. There’s nothing she can do. She wants to yell and scream at all the misfortune falling on her, but all she can do is blame herself. Blame herself for losing her cool, for not noticing the door, for letting this article consume her, for… being gay. She grabs her face with her hands, and squeezes herself. None of this would be happening if she were straight. 

The door opens again, but this time, Moonbyul takes notice. Startled, she releases her face from her hands and stands as still as possible, listening to the footsteps.

“Moonbyul?”

Ah… it’s the manager. Moonbyul’s body loosens and she checks the time. It’s been twenty minutes. No wonder the manager came to check on her. She’s glad that she didn’t come to check any earlier.

“Is everything going alright?”

Moonbyul takes in a deep breath. “Yeah, my stomach is just a bit upset. I’ll be out in just a second.”

Her voice surprises herself. No one would have guessed that she’s going through a life or death crisis right now. 

“Do you want me to buy you some stomach medicine?”

“No, I should be fine.”

Her voice may be able to fool her manager, but her face won’t. Moonbyul doesn’t have to see herself to know that it’s a mess. 

“You can just head back to the van. I’ll be out soon.”

“Alright, but better be quick because everyone’s butts are becoming numb” The manager jokes, letting Moonbyul know that she doesn’t suspect anything.

She hears the door open and the manager’s footsteps leave the bathroom. So all the members had stayed in the van. Moonbyul sighs out of great relief. In the midst of constant doubt and anxiety, at least there is something she’s sure about now. Moonbyul finally exits the bathroom and heads back to the van. She opens the door and Wheein and Hwasa turn to look at her.

“Unnie, I’ve aged 10 years sitting here waiting for you!” Wheein complains from the back of the van, leaning back in her seat, clearly still sleepy.

“Hahaha, sorry. My stomach started hurting all of a sudden.” Moonbyul forces out as she gets settled in the van. The fake laugh makes her heart heavy.

“It’s because you do these schedules without any food in your stomach. You should really eat some more, unnie” Hwasa says concerned, looking for eye contact.

The moment their eyes meet, Moonbyul immediately breaks from it, afraid she would notice anything strange about her.

“Yeah, I’ll try to eat more.” Moonbyul says quickly, clearly trying to end the conversation. 

As she turns back to grab her seatbelt, she glances at Solar behind her, still sleeping like a log. This’ll all be solved before she even realizes it was a problem… hopefully. Moonbyul’s career and reputation was one thing, but Solar was another. Even if she lost everything, if Solar still accepted her, maybe everything wouldn’t be so bad. Moonbyul wouldn’t have to live in fear anymore. She could finally be herself and retire from her chaotic life. But then she remembers that that isn’t an option. She’s not a solo artist. She’s Mamamoo’s Moonbyul. If she goes down, everyone else will too. She can’t ever forget that. She’ll solve this, not for herself, but for all the members.

The van starts up again and it’s silent all the way home, at least on the outside. Inside of Moonbyul’s head are all sort of crazy thoughts, hypothetical situations that usually contain variations of a worst case scenario. What if they are withholding information to allow the public to manifest its own crazy elaborations? What if people are going to take advantage of this and claim to have also had a relationship with her? What if they accuse her of harassment too? What if the person in the bathroom recorded her conversation? She wishes she could check how that article is doing, but Hwasa is still awake, watching a movie on her phone, and Moonbyul is way too paranoid to have the article open within 10 feet of anyone. All she can do is look out the window anxiously and hope the article fell deep into the abyss of the internet. 

After what felt to be a years, they finally arrive at their apartment complex. Moonbyul hurries to gather her things, wanting to be alone as soon as possible, and hastily exits the van. 

“Byulyi, wait for me” Solar groans from the back of the van, just waking up.

Her voice surprises Moonbyul. It’s sweet and casual, and it brings her back to reality. That’s right. This is for her. She’s going to protect everything they have. She waits for her. Wheein and Hwasa leave first, saying their goodbyes, and Solar exits the van not too soon after. Her beauty is really something else. 

“Okay. Let’s go.” Solar says in a half yawn.

Half asleep, Solar links her arm with Moonbyul’s, partly because of habit, and partly because she’s too tired to walk by herself. Moonbyul wishes that time could just stop so that they could keep this kind of relationship forever. A friendship close enough to have dates without them being dates, but a relationship with enough distance to remain noncommittal. Solar’s arm was extremely comforting to Moonbyul. The warmth of her body reminded her that she isn’t alone, and her presence has always made her feel safe, as if everything was going to turn out okay, because she’s there. They walk silently up the stairs until they reach their floor. As they reach Solar’s apartment door, Moonbyul slowly releases her arm from Solar’s, gliding her fingers on her arm as they separate, savoring her touch as if it were her last. 

“You’re not coming in?” Solar asks surprised.

“No, I’m feeling a bit under the weather, so I’ll rest up in my apartment”

“Ah… Okay. Make sure you rest up well then.” She responds understandingly.

“I will” Moonbyul assures.

“Goodnight.”

Moonbyul starts walking away and Solar then closes her door softly. Once she hears the click of the door closing, she starts hurrying to her apartment. Her anxiety returns. She needs to know what’s happening to the article. She needs to talk to her ex again, find out what exactly is going on. Entering her own apartment, Moonbyul hurries to her computer to search for that article again. The boot up is slow and torturing as she taps her fingers and shakes her leg in anticipation. It boots up. She opens a browser and immediate searches “moonbyul lesbian” into the search bar.

Her heart sinks.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for the love, guys! also this chapter is pretty unedited, so sorry about that :-(

When you’re met with your worst nightmare, something you’ve dreaded all of your life, what are you supposed to do? Do you stand up straight and try to fight it? Do you sit and accept your fate? Moonbyul wanted to do neither of those things. She doesn’t want to give up because she and the members have worked way too hard to give in to something like this, but she doesn’t want to fight it because it’s just too frightening. She can feel that if she tries to fight it, it’ll come back at her tenfold. 

Over the course of several hours, Moonbyul scrolls the web, extracting every bit of data she could, hoping to find anything that could help her. Unfortunately, everything was just a variation of the original article. Ignoring the internet trolls, no one knows the girl in the photo. No one knows who sent it in. It’s as if no one really cares. All that matters is that she’s gay. She’d find comments like, “Always knew something was off about her” “Feel bad for the other members…” “She never belonged in Mamamoo anyways” “Wow… they are really living among us” all to which Moonbyul felt so ashamed and scared. Of course that’s what people think. Is this what the members think too? Do the other members feel burdened by her sexuality? Did she ever come off too close? She should have never gotten so attached to Solar. What if after all this time, Moonbyul just had to wrong idea about their relationship? She cringes with regret, thinking about all the times she might have overstepped her bounds. She could be reading these articles at this very moment. And what about their careers? Moonbyul will have to carry the weight of having ruined three lives. 

She leans over her desk, putting her elbows on the table and resting her forehead on her palms. She’s exhausted. Her body feels like it’s about the give up on her at any moment. Her face feels hot from the abundance of emotions rising from her chest. No. She can’t give up right now. The more she sits and mopes, the more this will spiral out of control. If she can turn things around before this becomes any bigger, maybe, just maybe, everything can go back to normal. She takes a deep breath and gathers enough will to sit back up and take out her phone. She dials her ex once again. Even though she isn’t sure what she’s going to say, it’s better to call now, before she over thinks anything. 

Time passes slowly as the rings from her phone echo quietly in her empty room. She reaches the voicemail and considers leaving a message. Before she even gets to decide, the beep goes off and she’s being recorded.

“Um… Hey. I’m really sorry about tonight. I was just really anxious then. Uh… if you have time, let’s talk things out. Well then… hope to see you later. Bye.”

She hangs up the phone and feels a bit of weight lift off her chest. She tried, right? She was able to call her and even leave a message that wasn’t too bad. Moonbyul wonders what else she could do. Could she make an announcement to deny the rumors? No, it’s too dangerous without the company’s consent. What about anonymously? Is there anything she could do to put some doubt in the public’s mind? Maybe she could start a bigger rumor to cover up this one? She could announce that she’s dating a male idol. No way. No one would even agree to be her fake boyfriend, and she’d have to explain why. Even though she tried so hard to gather her strength, it seems that it’s all been for naught. She can’t do anything by herself. Her chest feels heavier again. 

The door bell rings.

Moonbyul jumps at the sudden noise and her heart starts to race. Who would come by at this hour? She nervously walks over to the door and peaks out the peephole. It’s dark, but the light in the hallway was just bright enough for Moonbyul to see Solar’s face and it certainly wasn’t happy. A surge of horror filled Moonbyul’s body. This was the worst time for Solar to come over. What did she want? Does she know about the articles? Solar’s face gets extremely close as she tries to listen through the door for any sounds. Moonbyul moves back instinctively and accidently makes a louder thud than she intended. 

“Byulyi, I know you’re there. Open up the door.” Solar’s voice determined, but with a hint of sympathy.

Moonbyul freezes where she is, trying to register the millions of thoughts going through her head. 

“Byulyi”

She snaps back to reality and decides to let her in first. She takes a deep breath and straightens out her clothes in an attempt to compose herself. Her hand shakes as she opens the door and is met with Solar’s strong gaze. Moonbyul knew immediately that Solar wanted answers. Her heart sunk as she let her in.

“What are you doing here?” Moonbyul asks in a hoarse voice. It takes her by surprise and she clears her throat immediately after. “Do you want anything to drink?”

“No, I just wanted to see how you were doing.” Solar says, settling down on the couch.

“Ah…” That’s right. She said that she was feeling under the weather today, which wasn’t exactly false “Yeah, I’m feeling fine now. I just felt a bit carsick from the ride home.”

“Well that’s good.” Solar responds, clearly wanting to change the topic to what’s been on her mind.

Moonbyul sits in a chair across from Solar. She awkwardly rubs her hands, full of cold sweat and takes a slow breath, feeling her chest shake from the anxiety.

“I read some… interesting… articles earlier.”

More of Moonbyul’s fears were becoming reality. Her life was crumbling around her. She feels her emotions rise up again, but she immediately pushes it back down. Not in front of Solar. She stares down at her hands, trying not to let her emotions show.

“Did you get to read any of them?” Solar asks, knowing from Moonbyul’s reaction what answer she’d get. 

“Yeah…” There was no point in lying.

“They aren’t true, are they?” There’s desperation in her voice. 

The way Solar phrased the question made Moonbyul fall into greater despair. They aren’t true, are they? She wants them to be lies. Solar doesn’t want the articles to be true. She wants Moonbyul to tell her that they aren’t, that everything is fine, that she isn’t gay, that their relationship isn’t anything more than friends. 

She’ll give her what she wants. 

With head down and hands clenched, Moonbyul lies, “No… they aren’t true.”

Ah… that was it. She can’t go back anymore.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for all the comments and kudos! ahhhh i hope i meet all of your expectations...

Even though there was a feeling of relief from being able to ease Solar’s mind, the guilt that followed Moonbyul’s words were heavy on her shoulders, but she couldn’t take them back now. There’s a long silence. Why wasn’t Solar responding? Wasn’t this what she expected? Wasn’t this what she wanted? A flash of regret comes over Moonbyul. What if she misinterpreted? Too curious to know, she lifts her head up and glances at Solar. Her expression is blank with dark eyes were staring at her, completely still, as if time had stopped. Moonbyul couldn’t understand what that meant. 

Unable to bare the confusion and her stare, Moonbyul asks, “Unnie, you okay?” a bit jokingly. Even though the air was tense and she was emotionally and physically drained, she didn’t want Solar to be so serious. 

Solar finally moves, not suddenly, but smoothly as she blinks and turns her head to the side avoiding eye contact. She forces a smile in response. “Yeah, just tired” she says softly. “Sorry to have barged in like this. I must’ve scared you. It’s just that when I read those articles, I couldn’t have any peace of mind.” There’s a slight pause, as if she’s debating whether to say the rest. “I’m glad though. I’m glad that they are just rumors. The company will find who started this and handle it, don’t worry.” 

Although her words and voice were sympathetic and gentle in intent, they pierced Moonbyul like spears. Of course she would be glad. Moonbyul would be glad to be straight too. It shouldn’t hurt this much.

Moonbyul forces a smile for Solar’s concerns and leans forward in her chair. “Thanks. I’m not too worried about it, so you shouldn’t be either. There’s no substance to the rumor anyways so I’m sure it’ll die down fast.”She says in the most nonchalant way possible, but her smile was getting heavy. She glances at the clock on the wall behind Solar and notices that it’s already 3am. “Unnie, it’s really late! You didn’t get much sleep last night, right? We can talk more tomorrow.” There’s a part of her that wants to stay with Solar, and just sit together and fall asleep as they talk and watch TV, but she doesn’t want to be hurt anymore than she already is. 

“Ah, you’re right.” Solar says turning around to look at the clock and then back at Moonbyul. “What time do we have to leave tomorrow?”

“Uhh…” She completely forgot that they have a schedule tomorrow. “7:30, I think.”

“Ugh… Okay” Solar groans as she forces herself out of her chair. She makes her way out and stops at the door. “Again, I’m sorry about tonight. It was kind of weird, right?”

“No, you’re fine.” Moonbyul comforts, getting up from her chair to see Solar out.

“I’ll see you in the morning. Rest up.” Solar says as she exits out the door.

“You too.”

They wave goodbye as Moonbyul watches Solar walk back to her apartment. Once she was out of sight, Moonbyul closes her door and walks over to her bed. She realizes that she hasn’t changed out of her clothes since she’s come home, but too tired to change, she lays down in her bed exhausted. So many things have happened today, that it almost feels like a dream, and that when she sleeps, she’ll wake up to her normal reality. She closes her heavy eyelids and tries to gauge if this really is a dream, but of course it isn’t. Her body tenses at the thought of having to deal with tomorrow. Her body tenses at thought of having to deal with today. Today, she said something that she never thought would have hurt herself so much. Even though their current relationship isn’t at much risk, Solar never felt so far away. She knew that they could never have been an item, but in the back of her head, pushed into the depths of her heart, she always hoped for something more. 

Moonbyul takes out her phone from her pocket, but pauses. She’s too scared to open, to see any more of the articles, to see any missed calls from her ex. Is she going to be okay at the schedule tomorrow? Are people going to ask questions? Will the company ask her to make a statement? Thoughts were flooding into Moonbyul’s head as her guilt was building on her shoulders. This was supposed to be the peak of their lives, but because of her, everything is going to crash down. She rolls onto her side and curls up and tears start to flow. Everything starts to hurt, from head to toe. What did Solar’s expression mean? Should she have told her the truth? Did she see through her lie? If only. She doesn’t want tomorrow to come. She wants to run away, but instead, she falls asleep crying.

 

The door bell rings loudly inside the quiet apartment and Moonbyul jumps up. What time is it? It’s still dark out, so she scrambles to find her phone which had fallen on the floor. She finally finds it and tries to turn on the screen, but it’s dead. She didn’t charge it last night. She drops it back on the floor in disappointment. The door bell rings again. Moonbyul stumbles getting up with her eyes still closed since they are just too heavy to open. She feels like shit. There isn’t an ounce of energy left in her body but somehow, she still moves towards the door. She rubs her eyes and tries to open them to look through the peephole, but everything is still blurry. The figure outside her door slowly comes into focus and Moonbyul immediately opens the door. Her manager stands outside with an impatient look.

“Byulyi! I called you a million times! What—are you okay?”Her expression of urgency and anger took a 180 to a look of concern. Moonbyul was confused at first, but eventually she remembers what happened last night. She hasn’t looked in the mirror, but she already knows that she looks exactly like how she feels. Complete shit. She sighs recalling her situation and wishes she never woke up. 

“Yeah, I’m fine. Don’t worry about it. What’s the big rush?” Moonbyul responds, wanting to push the attention away from herself.

“Ah… You’re late for the radio broadcasting. Hurry up and get in the van.” Her manager urges, making way for Moonbyul to come out of her doorway.

“Wait, I’m not ready yet.” Moonbyul says confused.

“You’re already dressed, aren’t you?” addressing the day clothes Moonbyul was still wearing from the other day. 

“Oh… I guess I am.” Moonbyul admits, looking down at her outfit. “Let me just get my bag. I’ll be out in 2 seconds.”

Her mind is still catching up with her body as she looks for her bag, which hasn’t been opened since last night. She also packs a change of clothes, since people would definitely notice her wearing the same outfit twice in a row. She stops by the bathroom to check if she’s okay, but of course she’s not. Her eyes are swollen, the bags under her eyes looks, and feels, ten pounds heavier, her hair is greasy since she didn’t wash it last night, and there are dried up tears across her face. For a second, Moonbyul feels sorry for herself. What did she do to deserve this? She quickly washes her face with water and checks back in the mirror. Just get through today. Tomorrow is for later. Just get through today.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the long wait!!! i really appreciate all of your kudos and comments. whenever i read them, i feel really happy! now go read the chapter!!

She lightly slaps her cheeks to motivate herself. It’ll become a big deal if she lets it. Expressing fear and anxiety will only support the rumors. This is nothing. They are baseless rumors that are exciting the public because of the great controversy surrounding homosexuality. This will pass. Pushing away her fears, she heads out the bathroom with newfound confidence, grabs a hat and mask to cover her swollen face, and heads out the door.

Moonbyul enters the van as normally as possible and settles into her seat. Her heart is beating at the thought of everyone paying attention to her, but she still isn’t sure if Wheein and Hwasa are aware of her recent controversy yet. It’s more than likely that they are, since she knows how often they check their phones, but since her own phone died, she hasn’t had the chance to check up on the situation. Maybe it died down? Maybe it got a hundred times worse? She’ll find out eventually. She keeps her head low and with the help of her hat, is able to avoid eye contact with the rest of the members. The manager finally unparks the car and drives swiftly towards the radio station. 

The van is silent, as it usually is this early in the day, but Moonbyul feels particularly self conscious in today’s silence. Surely it’s not because the members feel awkward with her now? It’s because they are all tired from coming home late yesterday, right? She tries not to think about it. She goes through her bag to look for her phone so that she can charge it in the car, but it’s not there. She remembers that it’s left on the floor by her bed. Panic quickly makes its way all the way throughout her body. She hates not knowing what’s happening. Although she’s practically powerless at this point, this is about her life. What if she says or does something that could be used against her? Her hands start to shake, frantically searching through her bag once again to maybe find it in a spot she had missed. She quickly realizes the amount of noise she’s making in the silent car and slows down to lean back in her chair. 

She lets out a deep sigh, trying to calm down. Maybe it’s for the better. She won’t have to deal with any incoming texts or phonecalls and it might help her forget her worries for a bit. Of course, she’ll have to deal with them later, but for the sake of today, it doesn’t matter. 

“Byulie unnie.”

Hwasa’s voice is soft and benign, but since Moonbyul has been so high strung, it takes her by surprise. She instinctively jolts up and turns her head towards the source of the sound. Surprised by her sudden movement, Hwasa jerks a little as she looks up from Moonbyul’s clothes to her eyes. Her brows furrow as she tries to read Moonbyul’s expression, hat and mask covering most of her face, but she can still tell that Moonbyul isn’t at her one hundred percent. 

“Are you okay? You didn’t change out of your clothes from last night.” Hwasa asks, now more concerned with Moonbyul’s well-being than her clothes. The worried voice catches Solar and Wheein’s attention and they turn to Moonbyul, also curious.

Of course the other members would notice her clothes. Why didn’t she change before she came out? 

“Ah… I was still feeling pretty sick from the car ride last night, so I didn’t get to change and just went to bed.” Moonbyul lies. The attention starts to make her uncomfortable. She feels as if they could find out everything just from looking at her. She lowers her hat closer to her face, trying to hide whatever they were searching for.

There’s a silence that Moonbyul assumes to be from the members contemplating whether to believe her or not. She admits that her excuse isn’t the most convincing, and maybe she hopes that they don’t believe her. Maybe they’ll ask questions that’ll force her to open up about her worries. The thought of it sounds nice and relieving. No, that’s selfish. There’s no reason to share the burden. As far as anyone knows, there is no burden to share. The rumor is false and baseless. Moonbyul picks up her head. There’s nothing wrong.

“I see.” Solar says, breaking the silence, but she knows that it’s not true. They talked together in the middle of the night. Solar’s words bring that realization back to Moonbyul as she turns her head to look at her. She tries to send a look of thanks, but once they make eye contact, Solar looks back down and starts typing into her phone. Moonbyul reminds herself not to overanalyze. What did she expect? A friendly wink to confirm that her secret is safe? There is no secret.

“You’re gonna need a change of clothes though.” Wheein mentions.

“Yeah, I have some in my bag. I was just about to change.” Moonbyul replies, taking her clothes out of her bag which still sits on her lap from looking for her phone. 

She unbuckles her seatbelt and starts to change her clothes. None of the members pay much attention. When Moonbyul glances over, Wheein is sleeping in the back while both Solar and Hwasa are on their phones. Moonbyul quickly turns her head facing forward. She’s nervous about what they could be looking at on their phones. They could be reading articles about her, or receiving messages from friends or family worried about the issue. If Hwasa asks about it, how will she respond? Moonbyul wants to prepare herself, but at the same time, doesn’t want to think about anything. No one has said anything about it yet. One part of her is grateful for the silence, and another is disappointed. It’s nice to not have to speak about it, especially since Moonbyul is still trying to get her head around things, but another part wants them to know her side of the story. A chance to explain herself. But she reminds herself that hopefully, she’ll never have to. Hopefully, Moonbyul can live out this lie forever.

The van finally comes to a stop after what Moonbyul felt like to be forever, staring into space. All the members start gathering their things and exit the van. They entered the radio station quietly and greeted the staff members and the radio host. For the first time today, everyone is speaking normally. They all receive the script and chat amongst themselves as usual. It feels weird for Moonbyul to speak so normally as if nothing was going on, but whenever Solar would talk to her, she feels guilty, as if she didn’t deserve her breath. She would still respond as she normally would, a little exaggerated at times, but tried to restrain herself from any unnecessary skinship. Whenever she would feel herself wanting to go touch her, she would count to three, clenching her fist and wait for the moment to pass. 

While talking with the staff members, Moonbyul is hesitant to ask for them to refrain from asking about the recent controversial articles about her. There’s always a segment where they read questions or comments from fans, and it’s a bit concerning to Moonbyul. She’s sure that there will be inappropriate questions (there always are), but she’s worried about whether the radio host will inquire about them or push them off as the usual spam. Ultimately, she decides to just let it be. She isn’t aware of the current situation and could just be making a fuss over nothing. Hosts never inquired about them anyway, so why would they now? 

It’s almost time for them to go to the radio room, but Moonbyul excuses herself to use the restroom. All this time, Moonbyul has still been wearing her cap and mask, and although she pulled down her mask halfway to avoid being rude and conspicuous, she can’t wear it on broadcast. She walks towards the mirror and takes it off. Her face isn’t as swollen as it was this morning, but even in the shadow of her hat, her eyes look red and filled with worry. There was no way that the people around her didn’t take notice to her tired expressions, but no one said anything. She didn’t think she would look this way even after the hours that went by since the morning. As time went by, she started feeling better, but her face says otherwise. Her face says that her suffering has yet to take a break. 

They finally sit down in the radio room and get ready for their live broadcast. Everyone is a little nervous, but at this point in their career, it’s become quite comfortable too, except Moonbyul’s heart is beating over a hundred beats per minute. At the last minute, she’s starting to regret not calling in sick, or talking to the staff members about censoring anything about her controversy, or mentioning anything to the other members. She glances at Solar out of habit. She looks so unfazed, so natural and focused. Moonbyul quickly catches herself staring and turns to the paper in front of her. Right now, all she can do is go along with the show. There are the usual questions about their comeback and games to make things a little interesting, and Moonbyul pulls jokes and inserts little laughters here and there. Finally, the commercial break comes. Moonbyul immediately drops the smile to her relief and checks the monitor in front of her. Text messages from fan are going to come in and they have to read them right after the break. For this specific radio show, there’s a live feed of the messages coming through, which terrifies Moonbyul. The thought of having everyone around her read through hundreds of potentially sensitive questions or comments makes her want to run away. She doesn’t want to know.

The phone line opens. 

Solar holds Moonbyul’s hand under the table.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wish i read more books as a kid...

Her hand takes Moonbyul by surprise, but she doesn’t dare move. They have held hands countless times, but this time, it feels like it has meaning. What meaning exactly? Moonbyul doesn’t know. All she knows is that she doesn’t want Solar to let go.

There’s no more time to think about hand holding. The comments are flooding in and Moonbyul can only catch snippets. Her heart is pumping so fast, she can’t focus on anything. She can see the words, but not process them. “Mamamoo….” “I can’t believe…” “I don’t think….” “Please read my….” “Fucking fag”. Moonbyul’s hand tenses under Solar’s grip as she averts her eyes down to the desk. This is what she expected. Everything is fine. She looks back up, too curious to know what is happening. More comments flood in just like the last. “Is it true?” “Used to be a fan…” “If you could kick out...” “Fighting!!” “Stay away…” “Thank you”. Slowly, Moonbyul becomes aware of her surroundings after a few minutes of just staring at the comments. The studio became quiet. Everyone is looking at the monitors in front of them. She looks up at the clock above the host’s head, and reads that there are only 30 seconds left until the commercial break is over. The host looks over to the staff, asking what he should do. They mumble to themselves, throwing ideas. There’s 15 seconds left. They tell him to make something up. He looks surprisingly calm, as if he’s done this before. He looks through the comments one more time before the air light goes off. 

The comments are still swarming in, but the host starts speaking like nothing is happening, like everything is going according to plan. He starts to introduce the members again. Everyone gets carried with the host’s energy as he continues onto the next segment, taking questions and comments from the viewers. Moonbyul’s body is shaking. Her vision and hearing are going out of focus. Her thoughts start trailing into silence. She tries to pull herself together, thinking about how she shouldn’t let people see her weak side, about how she shouldn’t bring down the members or disappoint everyone who is making this show what it is. Solar’s hand still rests on hers. The grip is firm, and unwavering, but Moonbyul doesn’t dare look at her. 

“If you weren't Mamamoo, where would each of you be right now?” The hosts tone and volume rise to catch everyone’s attention. 

“Solar, let’s start with you” He gestures towards her to take over.

She lets go of Moonbyul’s hand, creating a cold emptiness where Solar’s hand rested. 

“Well…” She continues to swiftly, yet calming explain how her original dream was to be a stewardess. 

Moonbyul doesn’t have the luxury to listen to what Solar has to say, though. She already knows how this question is answered, having been asked numerous times, but she debates whether she should say something more. Something she wants to convey to the audience to clear up any sort of misunderstandings. To smooth out the chaos a little bit. But she knows all too well that if she doesn’t perfectly choose her words, they can be used against her. 

“Moonbyul, what about you?” All heads turn towards her. Instinctively, words come out of her mouth saying something about initially wanting to become a police officer, but her mind is such a clutter, she isn’t really sure what she’s saying.

“Being here today is surreal.” She can’t even think at this point. Her words are just coming out as they come in. “There are times when I regret becoming an idol because of all the hardships that come with it, but I have never regretted becoming a part of Mamamoo. Not until recently.” She looks around at the members, who all have a look of confusion and concern.

“Why is that?” The host inquires, trying to be open and respectful, knowing where this is going.

“There are occurrences where the other members are grouped together with… things that should only be concerned with me, but because we have become so synonymous, I can’t help but feel guilty for spreading unnecessary pain.” Moonbyul confesses, looking down at the table. She realizes that her nails are digging into her thighs and quickly releases her grip, afraid of leaving marks.

“I don’t think that’s such a bad thing, though. Not all the time.” Solar interrupts. Moonbyul turns her head and sees Solar staring back at her. “It would be different if we weren’t all so close, but since I feel like we’re family, I’m more than happy to bear the burdens of the other members.” Their eye contact doesn’t break until Solar finishes her share and turns to Wheein and Hwasa across the table.

“I agree!” Wheein exclaims.

“Me too.” Hwasa assures.

The relief of having the members have her back in all of this, that they don’t resent her for creating this drama, flushes over Moonbyul who can’t help but choke up a bit. If they can support her like this, will they support her knowing the whole truth?

The host continues to compliment their relationships and gets back on track to ask Wheein the “listener’s” question.

 

The radio broadcast finally ends and they all say their goodbye’s and thank you’s to the staff as they leave. What Solar said earlier is still on Moonbyul’s mind. She wants to say something to thank her, but it feels like the moment already past, and bringing it up again would make things unnecessarily awkward and tense, so for now, she leaves it. Even if she knows that they could be hurting because of the rumors surrounding herself, she’s just relieved that they don’t resent her. 

 

After driving back, they arrive to their dance practice rooms. Everyone goes in reluctantly, but right before Moonbyul enters, their manager grabs her arm from behind. She jumps, startled, and quickly turns around to see what’s the matter.

“The CEO wants to see you.” She says solemnly, still gripping onto her arm. Something is clearly up, and Moonbyul can guess what it’s about. She turns to the other members, all preoccupied with preparing to practice and too far to hear them now. It’s probably better that they don’t worry.

Turning back to their manager, Moonbyul replies, “I’ll head over now.”

She finally lets go of Moonbyul’s arm as she walks away, seemingly confident and unaffected, but as the distance between her and the others grow, so does her nervousness. Even though she knows why she’s being brought over, she doesn’t know what he will ask of her. Surely he won’t ask her to leave the group? No rumor could force a member out, right? He’ll maybe ask to make a statement against it? Should she tell him the truth? Or continue this lie? She feels like she should prepare for something, but isn’t sure what. A few more doors and hallways later, she finds herself in front of the CEO’s door. It’s already too late.

 

“Huh, where’s Byulyi?” Solar asks, looking around after realizing Moonbyul’s absence.

“The CEO wanted to see her.” The manager answers from the back of the room.

All the members look at each other with the same worried faces.

“Do you think she’s okay?” Wheein asks shyly.

Silence follows.

“It isn’t true, right?” Wheein adds on.

“What do you mean?” Solar questions, a little agitated.

“A-about the rumors… You read them, right?” Wheein timidly says.

“They aren’t true, okay? Byulyi isn’t like that!” Solar snaps unexpectedly.

“What?” Wheein replies shocked. “I’m just worried, that’s all. Life is going to be hard for her if this continues.”

“You think--!!” Solar starts to yell.

“Everything should be fine! Let’s trust Byulyi, okay?” Hwasa interrupts with power in her voice, trying to break the tension.

Solar tries to cool down, sighing deeply and running her fingers through her hair. Wheein has a look of regret, wondering if she should have asked anything in the first place.

 

Standing right infront of the CEO’s door, Moonbyul takes a deep breath and knocks twice. Immediately, a familiar voice replies.

“Come in.” He says calmly.

She opens the door slowly, and searches for him in the room. Sitting at his office desk, he looks up from his papers and greets Moonbyul with a smile. She greets him with a hello and a bow before fully entering the room. This isn’t what she was expecting at all. She knows the CEO. He can be demanding and strict and out of all the times to be exactly that, he seems unusually normal. 

“Byulyi. Have a seat.” He welcomes, gesturing to an empty seat in front of his desk. 

She walks over slowly and sits down awkwardly, nervous about the strange setting. The CEO looks straight at her, leaning forward on his elbows. He lets out a sigh. His demeanor changes.

“Let’s get straight to the point.” 

The seriousness Moonbyul was expecting finally appeared. The CEO grabs his phone from the side of his desk and pulls up a photo. He extends his hand to show Moonbyul what exactly it is.

“Moon Byulyi, did you have a romantic relationship with this woman?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait! School has been rough.... but hype for comeback, amiright?????


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter kinda jumps everywhere so sorry for any confusion... and thanks for the kind comments! keeps me going lol

The school bell rings. Moonbyul jolts up, waking up from an accidental nap. Ugh, she feels disgusting. She looks around, trying to figure out what time it is, whats happening, and whether the teacher found out she was dozing off in class. Suddenly, a roll of paper smacks the top of her head from behind.

“Byulyi, although sleeping is healthy, it isn’t going to make you any smarter. Start paying attention more.” Her math teacher scolds.

“Sorry…” She apologizes, looking down at her empty notebook.

A snicker comes from her left.

“You too, Eunjung!” The teacher swiftly turns, “just because your grades are good doesn’t mean that you can slack off!”

“Sorry teacher.” Eunjung says in an apologetic but playful manner.

Moonbyul turns to look at her as the teacher walks away to pick up his things. The other girl smiles at her and Moonbyul smiles back. They both end up laughing at the trouble they got into.

“Hey, you wanna go to karaoke?” Eunjung asks as their laughter dies down.

“I don’t know… We have to study for college entrance exams.” Of course Moonbyul wants to go, but her future is more important than one karaoke session.

“Aw c’mon!! You’ve been studying way too hard lately. You didn’t even wake up when I shook you earlier! One hour of karaoke. That’s it!” Eunjung gets out of her chair with her bag and tries to drag Moonbyul away with her.

“But I…” She tries to protest, but Eunjung swiftly pulls forward and pecks her on the cheek. Moonbyul glows bright red and pushes her away in embarrassment.

“Hey!” Moonbyul exclaims, putting her hand on her cheek, now bright red. She quickly looks around for anyone who might’ve seen. Once she confirms that no one was paying any attention, she lets out a sigh of relief. 

“Just one hour.” Eunjung pleas, face still close to hers. 

“Alright alright let’s go” She admits, packing up her things. 

“Yes!!” Eunjung rejoices “Love you, Moonstar!!!”

Moonbyul tilts her head down to grab her books and as her hair falls, covering her face, the smile she was hiding breaks free. If it weren’t for Eunjung, Moonbyul doesn’t know what would become of her. She’d probably just be a bookworm studying her ass off. A life with the same day on repeat. But with her, every now and then she’s blessed with these spikes of happiness that turn her boring life into a waiting game for what she’s going to do next. 

 

“Byulyi, you have a real talent for singing, you know that?” Eunjung compliments as Moonbyul finishes her song.

“I know, my voice just makes you fall for me, doesn’t it?” Moonbyul says, being all greasy and such.

“It does.” Eunjung says, grinning. “And I’m serious, Byul. You can do it.” 

“I’m really not sure… it’s pretty extreme, don’t you think?” Moonbyul admits, smile fading into a look of worry. 

“Byul, if you don’t go for your dream now, when will you ever? Do it now, before you regret never trying” Eunjung tries to persuade, getting up. “The whole world can be your karaoke room! And I’ll get to be your number one fan!” She exclaims, spreading her arms out as if the world is her audience. Her face shines bright not just with the flashy karaoke lights, but with her grand smile that always wipes Moonbyul’s worries away. 

Click.

Moonbyul snaps a quick photo, saving that precious smile forever. 

“What was that for?” Eunjung asks laughing.

“To remember my first and number one fan.”

 

How did they find this picture? Were they able to contact her? What exactly was happening while she was away from her phone? Her body is stiff as she leans forward to get a better look at the photo, just to confirm that its the person that she think it is. Unfortunately, it’s exactly who she think it is.

“How did you get this photo?” Moonbyul stutters. 

The CEO takes a deep breath.

“We did some research of our own, and if we were able to find her, you can bet that others have found her faster.” He explains himself quickly and continues, “Byulyi, we need an answer from you. If what this person says is false, we will press charges, but if not… we will have to discuss a few things.”

Discuss a few things? Like what? How they are going to terminate her contract? Or how they are going to restrict more of her freedom? How they would want her to lie? If she confesses, it could be the end of her career, but if she lies, well, it could still be the end of her career. Caught in a catch-22, she feels completely stuck. She already had a taste of the public lashes and shame from a little rumor, could she handle the public knowing the truth? And to be outed by a tabloid. How shameful. Despite all of these reasons to lie, despite every bone in her body telling her to deny it, she wants to come out. There isn’t a single logical reason why she should, but she just wants to. If she lies here, will there ever be a chance to tell the truth? Will she live in this pretend world for the rest of her life? Never having anyone to truly love? All of a sudden, Solar comes to mind. Her smiling face. Her laughing voice.

“Moon Byulyi.” The CEO says, bringing her back to reality.

She raises her head to see his eyes, sharp and serious. Her gut starts to twist. Heart pumping faster as time starts to speed up. She doesn’t want to do this. All she wants to do is run away. Everything is starting to crash and she’s tired of trying to keep it together. 

“... Don’t press charges…” Moonbyul says softly, admitting defeat. She bends her head down biting her lip, trying not to cry. She clenches the fabric of her pants out of frustration and prepares herself for the reply. There’s nothing that she can do now. Everything is out now. With those three words, her whole lie is broken. She shuts her eyes preparing for the worst.

CEO’s chair squeaks as he leans back.

“Okay.”

 

As Moonbyul returns to the dance practice room, she reminds herself that she needs to keep it cool. Everything is going to be okay. Hopefully.

She opens the door without hesitation and walks in with confidence. Well, pseudo-confidence. On the inside, she’s desperately praying that none of the members ask her what happened. Right when she opens the door, their song is blasting and the other members are practicing diligently, not noticing her entrance. She lets out a little sigh of relief and stays back watching them. It's no surprise that Hwasa’s doing the moves her own way. She always had a certain groove that she carried around, expelling a pleasant amount of sexiness wherever she went. And Wheein is always working hard at her own kind of style. It isn’t as extreme as Hwasa’s attitude, but the movements are always clean with a clear sense of rhythm. And then there’s Solar. Moonbyul chuckles to herself watching her. It’s funny how she’s growing through these years. She’ll alway be their goofy leader, but seeing her serious side, trying to establish a more mature image, inspires her. Her movements are feel more confident than before, almost overpowering at times. It’s weird seeing her get all serious when Moonbyul knows that there’s a whole other person in there. She can’t help but smile. This is exactly what they have all been working towards. Their success seems like a miracle still. Being here in this room, practicing for a performance that thousands if not millions of people will watch, it’s weird, and stressful, but they all love it. And she might just ruin it today.

The song ends and the 3 members hold the ending pose for a couple seconds before collapsing from fatigue. From behind, Moonbyul claps loudly. Everyone perks up at the sudden noise. 

“Byulyi!” Solar shouts, after seeing Moonbyul’s reflection in the mirror. She whips her head around and is met with the biggest smile Moonbyul can make. Solar starts walking over, with a little worry on her face. Not wanting to have an awkward discussion about her meeting with the CEO, Moonbyul abruptly starts the conversation.

“Wow, you guys are practicing so hard without me, I feel bad.” She says jokingly.

Solar is visibly taken aback at her remark, not expecting such a light hearted response. 

“You should! What took so long? It’s been, what, 3 hours?” Solar replies, shouting a little louder than she should. 

“Wow, has it been that long? Time flies when you’re having fun, huh? But I’m here now, so let me play a little catch-up on what you guys have been doing.” All Moonbyul wants to do is get her mind off of things. 

Solar looks back at Wheein and Hwasa, who both have looks of confusion and concern. Wheein opens her mouth to say something, but Moonbyul quickly interrupts.

“Manager-unnie, can you play that song one more time?” She asks pointing to her.

“Ah, sure” The manager stutters, caught off guard. 

Music starts blasting once again. It’s too forward for the other members to say anything about the meeting, and Moonbyul is clearing avoiding the subject, so they all ultimately decide to just go with the flow. 

After an hour or so, Moonbyul excuses herself to the bathroom. It’s already 5 o'clock. Everything today has been exhausting. Moonbyul doesn’t know for how much longer she can keep this up. She feels like she could just break at any second and she feels weak and stupid for that. If this is her limit, how can she survive the days, weeks, months, maybe even years of the lashback and lonely suffering? She doesn’t want to do it. But she has to. The other members in that room are depending on her to be strong and pull Mamamoo through this. She looks in the mirror, and finds herself almost as disgusting as she looked this morning. Dark circles under her eyes, face so pale. She tries to smile, but it’s just too hard at this point. It looks like she’s grimacing from an old wound. She feels like crying. This sucks.

Coming back into the room, she finds everyone packing up.

“Ah, Byulyi-unnie. We decided to end it here today. Everyone is pretty tired, so today’s going to be a half day, I guess.” Wheein explains while gathering her things into her bag. 

“Oh okay” Moonbyul replies, a little surprised that they didn’t confirm with her first. She’ll have to rush things.

“Guys, how about drinks at my place?” Moonbyul asks nervously.

Everyone looks up with surprised looks on their faces. Silence and confusion fills the room for a split second before Solar speaks up.

“I’d love to go… but I’m pretty exhausted from today.” Solar says apologetically. “Next time though.”

“Ah okay. Just forget I asked. I’m pretty exhausted myself hahaha” Moonbyul admits embarrassed. Is Solar avoiding her?

“Sorry, unnie…” Wheein and Hwasa both tell Moonbyul as they leave the room.

After everyone leaves and waves goodbye, Moonbyul is alone in the dance room. Its silent. It feels darker than before. She wonders what to do now. Should she just let them be? Let them find out on their own? She doesn’t know. She’s too tired to think. She sits on the floor, back to the wall, staring at herself in the wall mirror. It's the first time she’s been alone today. There’s nothing to distract her mind now. There’s absolutely nothing. Tears start to flow as she blankly dazes into the empty space. She thinks about her parents, what they’ll think of her now. Will they hate her? Will they be angry with her? Why exactly did she decide to do this? Do anything of this? Just when things were going their way, she had to crush it. With the way she is, she should have never considered becoming a celebrity. Her chest hurts. Like someone is taking the air out of her lungs. She wants to scream but no noise comes out of her mouth. How could life be so unfair. 

She wakes with a jerk and cold sweat. Her heartbeat echoes throughout the room, thumping so violently that her ears start to ring. She can’t be sitting here weeping about her life. No matter how much she wants to, she can’t just let everything go. To stay sane, she needs to take initiative. Have some sort of control of her spiralling life. While trying to get up, her arms and legs start to wobble from exhaustion. Stupid. If her body can’t keep this much up, what has she worked so hard for? She’s been through worse. Pushing through the pain, she finally stands up and the automatic lights in the room turn on. Only then did she realize that someone had placed a blanket over her. So that’s why she was so warm. She slows down to pick up the blanket and fold it carefully, placing it on the floor where she sat. Silently standing over it, she thanks whoever had given it to her, and then moves on out the door. 

She sees the digital clock hanging on the wall at the end of the hallway, lighting up the path. It’s 11:00PM. She only has an hour left. Hurried, she traverses through the dimly light building until finally reaching the outside. The lights of Seoul shine brightly against every surface, as if the sun never set. Moonbyul starts rushing home in a jog (lets all pretend that byul lives within a reasonable jogging distance from the company lol). Her mind starts to fill up with what-ifs again as she wonders what to do once she gets home. Who is she going to talk to? What is she going to say? Hundreds of different scenarios run through her head, but before she knows it, she’s in front of Solar’s door, gasping for breath and legs trembling. If she’s to tell anyone, it should be Solar. It’s too late to think about it anymore, and she’s too tired to back out. Moonbyul evens out her breath and stands up straight at the door. A final deep breath before knocking on the door. 

At this point, she can’t tell if her body is just super tired from running, or if she’s about to keel over from anxiety. She just stares at the door, hoping that Solar is here.

Click.

The sudden sound of the door unlocking frightens the tense girl. Her breathing quickens as she watches the doorknob turn and door open. Then, she has a sudden realization that despite all the thinking she’s done, she has no idea what to say or do.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> told ya i'd never abandon!!! thanks for waiting!! i'll try to commit more time to this

Solar peaks through the crack of the door before opening it wide at the sight of Moonbyul. 

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Solar says confusedly, “Did you run over here?”

Still slightly out of breath, Moonbyul replies, “Yeah, I wanted to catch you in time.”

“In time? For what? I’m not going anywhere?” Solar is even more confused now. But Moonbyul finds it sort of cute. “Just come inside first and sit down”

Solar makes way for Moonbyul at the door and then quickly shuffles to the kitchen to get her some water. Moonbyul’s been here more than her own home, so it usually feels comfortable and cozy, especially with Solar around, but today, it feels like she has to be extra polite. She settles herself on the couch as Solar returns with a glass of ice water. 

“Thanks” Moonbyul says, receiving the water. She tilts her head as she sips it and notices the clock in the wall. 11:20PM. She still has some time left. 

“Why’d you run over? What’s the big rush?” Solar asks sitting down next to her.

“I wanted to talk to you” Moonbyul replies, “but I’m not sure where to start.” She stares at the water in the cup shes holding, watching the ripples form from her shaking hands.

“What are you talking about?” Solar inquires, now considerably more concerned than before.

“Jang Eunjung” Moonbyul says quietly. The cup softly shakes.

“What?” Solar brings herself closer to Moonbyul to listen better. “What was that?”

“Jang Eunjung” Moonbyul repeats a little louder, enough for Solar to hear. 

“Who is that?” Solar asks.

“She’s… the one in the photo. The one in the article.” Moonbyul mumbles to herself again. 

“I don’t understand. Is this new information? Did you not know who she was before?” At this point, Moonbyul being all cryptic was getting on Solar’s nerves. “Stop beating around the bush and tell me what’s going on! Did you run over to my house to tell me the girl’s name?”

“I’m sorry, it’s just… I was very close with her.” Solar starts to calm down and listen as Moonbyul was visibly having a hard time gathering the words to speak. “She was my best friend throughout high school. She’s the one who motivated me to pursue my dreams. When I thought no one was there for me, she would always pop up at the right time.” Moonbyul looks at her reflection in the cup. “I loved her. Unnie, I’m sorry. I really loved her.”

The room is silent

Moonbyul starts to wonder if she said too much. If this information was at all necessary for Solar to hear. She continues to stare at her cup, too scared to look up as the silence drags further along. How much time has passed? Does she really want to know? Each breath causes a ripple in the cup she was holding and she can’t help but grip it harder as she awaits some sort of response. 

“But last night,” Solar says quietly, “You lied to me?”

Shocked by her cold reply, Moonbyul finally looks up at Solar, seeing her face filled with disappointment and anger. Is this what she cared about? She didn’t want to lie, but she had to. Can’t she see that?

“I guess I did but I did it for you. I did it for the group. I didn’t want to cause unnecessary trouble. I thought this whole thing might just blow over, but it didn’t. That’s why I’m telling you now.” She explains, defensively.

“So were you never going to tell me unless something like this happened? Were you ever going to tell anyone? Don’t you think this is kinda important to know?” Solar exclaims.

Why was she getting so angry? All the nervousness and stress of coming here and having the courage to say anything and this is the reply? For some reason, it starts to boil her blood. 

“You think I wanted to keep it all a secret? You think I did this all to myself because I thought it’d be fun? What good would telling you do? Would anything have changed?!” Moonbyul starts to yell.

It was obvious that Solar was going to fight back as she puffs up her chest. “Then why tell me now? What’s going to change from telling me? Do you only tell people things when you think it’s convenient for you?”

Solar had a point. Coming out to her wouldn’t do anything at this point. She was just doing this to clear her conscious. To rid of guilt of what’s to come. But to Moonbyul, that still doesn’t justify why she’s attacking her.

“Then what should I have done? This is a fucked up world filled with some fucked up people. People who would go out of their way to hurt people like me, because, for some goddamn reason, a man thousands of years ago said that it’s a sin to be like this.” She says gesturing to herself. An unexpected amount of frustration and anger build up in her throat. Her voice starts to shake. “But that’s not even the scariest part. The scariest part is that you have no idea who is who. Who are the people that will hurt me? Who are the people that will stand by me? And when you live in the closet, people say some scary things and all you can do is make sure they never find out. But my list of people to beware keeps increasing and increasing and I start to wonder if it’s even worth it to trust someone. Because eventually, everyone makes it to the beware list.” Moonbyul doesn’t even know if she can continue as her throat locks up with painful emotions. All she can do is gasp for air as she cries. 

Solar stands still in shock. She sits down next to her, but is reluctant to approach any further. “Byulyi, I’m so sorry. I had no idea. I should have taken your feelings into consideration. I was so fixated on the group and myself. I’m sorry.”

“No, I get it. The group is important. It’s our lives. I just had no idea what to do. I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…” Moonbyul apologizes with her voice cracking and tears falling. “I ruined everything.”

“Byulyi, I--” Suddenly, Solar’s phone starts to ring. They both are startled and look around for the phone.

“Just a minute.” Solar gets up to reach for her phone in kitchen.

She picks up the phone, but doesn’t take the call. She just stares at the screen with a blank face, and it makes Moonbyul nervous.

“Who is it?” Moonbyul asks, drying up her tears.

“It’s…" She turns to Moonbyul with a worried look, “It’s the CEO.”

A wave of fear swoons over her and she quickly looks for the clock on the wall. It’s only 11:50. She doesn’t understand what the call could be for. They didn’t plan anything until 12. Maybe it was something unrelated to her? The phone keeps ringing.

“Go ahead, it might be important” Moonbyul says. She hopes its something insignificant, but she can’t shake the feeling that something was wrong. 

Solar nods as she swipes the screen to answer.

“Hello? … Ah, she’s with me.”

Moonbyul continues to stare at Solar, with her only thought being: Oh no. Why does her gut have to tell the truth?

Solar brings the phone down from her ear and turns to Moonbyul again with a worried face. 

“He wants to talk to you.” Solar says softly.

“What about?” Moonbyul asks cautiously.

“I’m not sure… He just wants to talk to you.” From the way Solar was speaking, Moonbyul could tell that the CEO wasn’t in a happy mood. 

She stands up and walks towards Solar, offering her phone. Moonbyul is hesitant to reach for it, but she knows that she doesn’t have much of a choice. She puts it against her ear, and just listens for a second before speaking.

“Hello?” Moonbyul answers nervously, looking at Solar for any comfort.

“Moonbyul, we have to reconsider.”

**Author's Note:**

> ps school started so chapters might come out slowly... but i promise i wont abandon!! trust me!!!!!


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